With a major detour from my perfectly-paved path to my perceived future, many thought I would fold and give in to a mediocre existence.
In 1999, being a single mom wasn’t new but it was certainly frowned upon. Respectable ladies of society were not supposed to be making such mistakes. I’m just glad I knew better than be stuck up. My years spent in “PT proper” – the last 2 years of the curriculum – has exposed me to Ate’s and Kuya’s (older ladies and men from my college) who had no qualms sharing about their adventures. I wouldn’t say that triggered my curiosity but it sure made me understand the difference between those intent on keeping their regular escapades under wraps and those who are just careless. When I allowed my then-boyfriend to have his way with me, I was neither…I was simply going with the flow…what happens, happens…and it did.
For most, that would be the end of the line; but I was ready for it. Also, that was where I started to understand that He was not going to let go of me – as He would for every single one of us.
When I started entertaining my rebellious thoughts, I was still part of the music team…so I asked to be given leave. I can’t say for sure if that was a mistake. I just know I did it because my heart was not “clean” anymore. I didn’t have the heart to usher people into worship while entertaining rebellious thoughts against my physical father. But one thing is clear to me now – I shouldn’t have separated myself from the ladies in the church.
I can clearly remember being asked several times by my cell group leader, “Hi Eunice. How’s your heart?” It was a random greeting that I refused to recognize for what it was – accountability. I just said, “I’m ok.”
I slowly drifted away because I didn’t want my Dad to know about my pregnancy while I was still vulnerable. He goes home to the Philippines every 3 months so I can’t be around where he expects to find me. I will tell him on my own terms, i.e. after I have given birth and recovered my strength. Because, hey, my heart was still very much in active rebellion mode.
So you see how rebellion slowly but surely ruined my supposed spiritual strength as a girl who grew up in Sunday School and was actively serving in the ministry until then. I was blind to the utter stupidity of my thinking. For someone who’s supposed to know better, I walked right into Satan’s trap of glorifying “I”. I plunged right into the middle and completed SIN when I gave myself to it.
Some would say, “life happened”. I know it was ME letting ME lead ME.
Several years wiser now, I wish I understood Lordship then; but I didn’t. I wish I took accountability to heart then; but I didn’t. Moral of the story – no one is meant to be a lone ranger in the Christian walk.
I now have two women in my life I share my present with – the joys and the heartaches, the victories and defeat. We also make sure we remind each other that we are not each other’s strengths…it is always God. I’m not saying it’s perfect but it helps to have someone who would pull you out of a trance, if I may say so.
Hebrews 10 (New Living Translation)
24 Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works.
25 And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near.
DO YOU HAVE SOMEONE IN YOUR LIFE YOU ARE ACCOUNTABLE TO?
If there’s none, actively seek one. If you’re reluctant, feel free to send me a message. I would be happy to be your virtual accountability partner in the meantime…at least until you can identify someone you’d be comfortable walking the Christian life’s challenging roads with.
