It is often said that we should forgive and forget. For the longest time, I too believed that that should be the goal – to get to a point where your heart is able to forget the pain so you can start over like nothing happened. At 47, I realized that was not to be aspired. The first part makes sense, but starting over like nothing happened isn’t wise at all.
It is admirable to get to a point of being able to reconcile; but don’t lose the lessons of past mistakes by fully investing trust where it does not belong. Last June 16, I experienced that ugly truth firsthand.
In Matthew 18:21-22, Jesus tells Peter to forgive “seventy times seven” times. The intention is not to count to 490 but to illustrate the boundless nature of forgiveness as God modeled it. It also acknowledges the truth that we will most likely need to extend it repeatedly, in the same manner that God does for us.
So how do we strike the balance between living a life that seeks to be more like Christ everyday and protecting ourselves the practical way?
Colossians 3:13 states, “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
Forgiveness is about letting go of grievances, bitterness, and resentment. It is a process of letting go of past hurts and, eventually, extending grace enough to extend a hand of restoration in our relationships. You see, the ones who really hurt us are the ones we love. Our God is a God of restoration; and He leads by example.
When we acknowledge that we too have hurt God time and again, and we receive forgiveness and grace every single time we approach the throne of grace, it would be hard to deny forgiveness to our fellowmen. But forgiveness doesn’t mean we have to forget – that someone stole money from us when we trusted them too much…that someone has stabbed us in the back one too many times…that someone will hurt you when you bring them into your house to provide shelter. We can protect ourselves while remaining hopeful that the chance we give is a chance that will be taken seriously. This way, we also help them avoid the trappings of what enslaves them – dependence on money, breaking a confidence, envy, and a lust for power.
It is possible to forgive without forgetting – not for the purpose of reliving the fault/s, but to keep an eye out for the danger signs so we can protect them from the temptation and ourselves from falling victims again.
Going back to June 16, 2025. My ex-boyfriend who has wronged me repeatedly in the past has finally been committed to jail after I won the case on VAWC (Violence Against Women and their Children). To me, nobody won that day; but the truth came out and justice has been served. However, his actions on May 19 (the second time I refused to support his appeal for probation) and his reaction on June 16 showed me that all the entreaties and nice words were but calculated moves to manipulate me into agreeing. The same criminal then is the same criminal now, who thinks only of himself and would shamelessly use his daughter to control me into submission. I’m glad I didn’t forget that part because that was mainly why I refused to support his appeal. I didn’t think being able to stroll along freely, as he has in the seven years that he walked free on bail, would make him understand that what he did and was doing is wrong.
I can honestly say that I have truly forgiven the acts that he did in the past, and I have shown in previous dealings that we could have remained friends as we co-parent our daughter; but I have not forgotten that he is a man who only understands lessons learned the hard way. And so I forgive yet he needs to serve his sentence in jail, a direct consequence of his own actions.